Loving The Skin I'm In by Kathryn S. Carrington

I was torn, confused and twisted when I received the reactions from my black co-workers and many friends when I shared with them the cover of my new romance novel, entitled, “To Catch a Kitten”. http://www.authorsden.com/visit/viewwork.asp?id=19105 I cringed at the remarks tossed at me like a ball of fire, ready to burn the skin from my hands, as if I were holding a hand full of hot grits! According to my sisters, the photo chosen by my publishing company wasn’t quote: Black enough”. Suddenly I felt a sick sense of isolation, disbelief and embarrassment, thinking that, maybe I wasn’t: Black enough-myself - upon realizing that the photo resembled, none other than traces of my self. I had described and then envisioned my main character- Kitten-looking actually like the young model on the cover and yet, because of my co-workers and friends and their dislike for the cover, I was feeling confused and ashamed. To add salt to my injury, I immediately emailed my editor and asked her if I could change the cover. I want the woman to appear more African-American and less Caucasian looking, is what I told her. She emailed me back and said that the girl on the cover was indeed, an African – American, much like the character I had described in my book. Upon feeling dazed and, not to mention, rather stunned- I thanked her and sat at my desk, looking rather wan. What the hell was I doing? I thought, I love this cover!

It was time for me to check myself. Suddenly I realized that most of my life I had been feeling a bit isolated and ashamed. I went to school with blacks through out my entire education and was often taunted and teased because I was extremely light - skinned. I had been trying to make up for the fact that I too, felt that I was not black enough -that is- on the outside, for indeed I was very black on the inside. I loved the taste of soul food: collard greens, Macaroni and cheese and in my youth, plenty of pigs-feet and barbecue spare ribs. I went to black shows, danced at black parties and read plenty of great black books. I certainly spoke like the average black kid that grew up in the hood, realizing that there was never any mistake of my being definitely black, when I opened my mouth. I have plenty of black girl friends, only date the blackest of black men and love my two black dark-skinned grand-daughters more than life itself. My entire world is and always has been black. Then what was my problem? Like many of my darker - skinned sisters, I was uncomfortable in my skin, always thinking that I was just not good enough. I had heard so many stories of light-skinned sisters thinking that they were prettier or better than their darker –skinned sisters, and have all too often – run into some myself - that left me feeling even more ashamed as well as embarrassed for them. I was afraid to show any signs of liking myself and constantly feeling guilty if I dared thought that I was just a little bit pretty; not to mention the fact that, I had been raised by a light-skinned mother who constantly told me that my darker-skin sisters, would never care for me, no matter how kind I was towards them or how much I wanted to befriend them. Thankfully, I never believed that notion and it was good that I didn’t because I have many wonderful friends of all nationalities, today.

Today I am still striving to be the confident, light-skin black woman that I know myself to be. I would be lying if I told you that I wasn’t struggling with the fact that I have to continue loving the skin that I’m in; but - like many people who come from all walks of life to live in our great nation, I have to learn to love what my higher power has given me and that is an appearance to be proud of, no matter what. I am extremely blessed to be a part of that semi - circle that is formed by the rainbow that projects the many shades of our heritage. I am also extremely delighted and happy with the cover of my new fiction entitled “To Catch a Kitten”; but I can’t help but to wonder about the young woman on its cover. I am often times wondering how the young, African-American woman, who looks very Caucasian, on the cover of my new fiction, feels. Surely: she has to be going through something.

Kathryn S. Carrington is a published author and freelance writer who resides in Laurel, Maryland

By Kathryn S. Carrington
http://www.authorsden.com/kat

About The Author

Kathryn Carrington is a published author of fiction, non-fiction and poetry, Editor and sole Writer of Pipey's Monthly Newsletter, a member of The Black Writers Guild of Maryland, The National Council of Negro Women and The International Society of Poets. Her fictions and non-fictions are registered in The Writers Guild of America. Kathryn has been featured in an article written entitled "Mommy Dearest" (See the Germantown Gazette dated May 17, 2006, by staff writer, Ellyn Wexler, referencing her Book "Mama and Us". Kathryn has also been featured on 10:10 a.m. Talk Radio,(Meet The Author) promoting her book, "Suicide/The Explosion Within. Kathryn is the Writer of Pipey's Monthly Newsletter featuring personal interviews about the accomplishments of others. Love Beyond Innocence, her second fiction,and her series of short stories for children, entitled-Herman and Rachael- will be available on line and ordered at area books stores soon.