Is It Really Worth Trying To Understand? by Mark Webb, Licensed Marriage Therapist

Is It Really Worth Trying To Understand?
by: Mark Webb, Licensed Marriage Therapist

At times, we may find ourselves getting caught up in situations that are beyond our control. This is particularly true for relationships. Are you presently caught in a relationship that is only bringing you pain and heartache? Maybe it is only a struggle from time to time. Despite the frequency, what is the negative impact this is having on you? Are you giving away your self respect to have a relationship? If so, this is a high price indeed.

I’m bringing up this point because “dysfunctional relationships” is a common topic of conversation that just about every couple has experienced at one time or another. When relating the details of the relationship, they may say things like “Deep down, he’s a really sweet man” or “If you only knew the real him” or “She just needs someone who cares and finally “You just don’t understand.”

This may be true. Other people may not understand your perspective of the situation. They may only have the advice for you to simply “Get Out!” This advice usually falls on deaf ears because on some level, the people defending the dysfunctional relationship care for the other person.

Are you spending hours reading books and talking to friends in an effort to understand why your partner does the things they do? What conclusions have you reached? Do you still find yourself getting stuck?

Let me ask you another question, what are your instincts telling you to do? A lot of times we know what we “should” do but we are afraid of or don’t like the answers.

In the heat of an argument and in the initial cooling down phase, your instincts may not be at its best. Once past these emotionally charged times, your instincts will be much clearer. What are they repeatedly telling you? As a Christian, I believe this instinct is more of an inner voice of God within us. I find a great deal of comfort in this because I know I can trust in my spirituality. No matter how you look at your decision-making abilities, you need to learn how to trust and believe in yourself. Understanding is helpful and can be useful in initiating change. However, understanding does not ensure that change will occur.

Because you cannot change other people, I encourage you to focus on changing yourself. Try to get your own life in order. Strive to understand your own needs and feelings. This will be a lot easier to understand than the approach of trying to figure out someone else.