Which Is Better: Rap Or Metal? by Silky Johnson

I don’t believe there is one end-all way to answer this question and it depends greatly on what aspect of each genre you are measuring.

Mortality rate, for example. Metal is leaps and bounds ahead of hip-hop when it comes to the extermination of its own fans. Not a single week goes by that I don’t hear about some metal club or concert venue where show-goers are trampling each other at the entrance, at the exit, in line for the pisser, blasting each other’s junk in the mosh pit, or burning the building down where the show takes place. The fires usually start after the emergency exits are so choked with dead metal-fan corpses that the women, children and Somali refugees are unable to escape. More buildings have been destroyed by fire as a result of metal concerts than for any other reason in the history of mankind. A lot of people don’t know that.

Rap fans, on the other hand, are the reason that hip-hop artists are about to be added to the endangered species list. Is there another genre of music out there whose fans are more responsible for the deaths of its artists? And just to clarify, I count any talentless hack who can’t get a record contract and blows some artist away in a drive-by as a fan. The one thing you can say about rap violence, though, is at least it is usually intentional and targeted at one individual, or in some cases, one individual and his crew. Sometimes a few bystanders are unlucky enough to stop a few caps with their large intestine, but usually that happens outdoors in a well ventilated area instead of choking off emergency exits with rank, smelly metal bodies.

Talent-wise I think it’s a push. Both have a few really good artists, and a whole lot of really, really, really, really shitty ones. I don’t think I’m exaggerating, but the ratio between good artists and bad is something like 1:48,562,878,214,951. And you know, I’m fine with people making bad music, since it gives them something to do where I don’t have to look at them. All I ask is that they don’t offend my ears with their aborted fetus made audible.

So what makes music good anyway? Drugs, of course. And who does more, rap or metal? Certainly rappers smoke weed by the bail, but I think the fact that they talk so much about it gives the edge to metal. Drugs are so much a part of the metal lifestyle and culture, they’re not even worth mentioning anymore. While marijuana may be a rapper’s best friend, speed, meth, coke, heroine, and basically anything else you can smoke, snort, inject, or take as a suppository are metal’s ambiguously gay uncle.

I think this is where you’re expecting me to give the final edge to one or the other. Well, I can’t really decide. So, I don’t think there is any better way to end this debate than with me getting a hand job. AAAAAAHHHHHHHH... There we go.

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