Politicians Now Have Clean Hands; Rectitude Not Required by Tom Attea

Now, even the most nefarious politicians have clean hands. Just ask them and they’ll show them to you. How is that possible? Have they all suddenly been overcome by moral rectitude?

Not at all. While we’re free to tell ourselves such a fairytale, the surprising feat is due entirely to the wide use of hand disinfectant.

It seems that politicians have discovered the germ theory of disease. They know if they go out and shake a multitude of hands, they’re likely to get cold and flu germs on them and who knows what else.

“Good stuff, keeps you from getting colds,” President Bush raved. “I even use it after I touch my wife.”

So it appears that now most politicians are they’re taking the precaution of scrubbing their hands with disinfectant immediately after every glad-handing event.

A favorite user is Dick Cheney, who, as we all know, has hands that are saintly clean, even without disinfectant. Just ask him.

Of course, there are politicians who are disaffected with the entire practice. They think it shows disrespect for voters and prevents candidates from experiencing the joys of human contact.

“It’s condescending to the voters,” Governor Bill Richardson of New Mexico, who, it seems holds the Guinness Book of World Records mark for shaking the most hands within one eight-hour period. “The great part about politics is that you’re touching humanity,” he maintains. “You’re going to collect bacteria just by existing.”

It seems we still have a while to wait for a disinfectant that will clean up dirty politics.

About The Author

Tom Attea, humorist and creator of http://NewsLaugh.com, has had six shows produced Off-Broadway. Critics have called his writing "delightfully funny," "witty," with "good, genuine laughs" and "great humor and ebullience."